tossedupthrownout

Hurt people hurt people. This feeling of ambivalence isn’t ever going away it seems.

I remember the twirl of alcohol and tobacco intertwining, interlocking at odds, yet harmoniously subsiding to a gentle warmth. But this memory seems like a thing of the past. The prowess in ambiguity lies in that you could be on both sides, or on none at all.

Perhaps the reason why we so often assign blame and are quick to scrutinise and point out the fault of others is because we’re afraid that people will shoot us down if we don’t do it first, and thereafter console each other by saying it was in self-defence. It’s a dog eat dog world. If you don’t get me, i’m getting you.

I would like to believe that god, or whatever constellations up there in the sky, made me a rather pleasant to person to be around. What I can’t, for the love of me fathom is that, how could I ever make someone so perpetually mad? Am I really such a easily detestable character?

It’s like the universe is contriving me to have happiness through unorthodox means.

The cold frosty night falls upon again, my goosebumps there you are. At a point so low nothing could trump, unshaven and suffering, a tilt of a head, a heave of a sigh, thou lord why have you forsaken me?

I’m honestly missing you so much. What I would do just to have one last chat with you, have you ruffle my hair like I was still a toddler in your eyes. I know things are irretrievable, but I hope that wherever you are now you’re still the happy old man I knew my whole life, carlsberg in one hand, a menthol cigarette in another.

In time to come, adulthood will lie upon me as the constellations in the night sky continue to swivel in glee. With adulthood comes the foreboding decision of marriage, and childbirth. The latter, i’m more apprehensive miles ahead of any other.

The pain I see so clearly in the eyes of my parents will forever haunt me till death do us part. Believe me when I say I love my parents. The ones who brought me up to the person that I am today. Oh hell i’m aware i ain’t worthy of a spot of the holy grail.

But no doubt, these 2 people have brought me up the best they could ever have done. And for that i’ll hold a toast of adulation for the endless love they’ve given me, the countless pain i’ve put them through in what a short span of time i’ve been alive, and for the disappointment i know i’ll surely put them through for the days to come.

This is why, the thought of a baby in my arms, carrying my dna, so frightens me. I would never want to go through what my parents have with me. Call me selfish, call me self-opinionated. I just can’t bring myself to feel the pain my parents felt, cueing the unending guilt of what-ifs and should-haves for the rest of eternity.

Nowadays I barely notice when it’s day or night. The sun shines through the day, but all I notice is the darkness of shadows around me. Night falls all around me, and it’s dark, I know, but I see everything more clearly than I’ve ever had.