February 2012
6 posts
Dear diary.
It’s been long since the last time I’ve been attacked ruthlessly by the gripes of insomnia, boiling down from perhaps the inability to control and overcome these thoughts of inadequacy. Rough times like these once again makes me wanna just pack my bags and take off, far away into foreign lands and woods and just roam free, with nothing but a weightless heart and you around. Outrageous?...
Brand new.
The past 18pages were just a ruse, a fluke, a commoner in an otherwise royal land. Let’s start anew won’t we. Forgive the mistakes and transgressions I’ve committed, I’m no one if not human. So we, the two of us, let’s pen down the rest of this duo-biography together now. Will you take my hand, and this brush, and paint with me a brighter tomorrow?
Living irony.
It’s funny how people start listening to you only after you’re gone. Yet the morceau of one famous piece would live to last forever in the hearts and minds of the billions of lingering souls searching, wandering aimlessly for their lives one motives.
Truly, truly, truly.
I guess I’ve reached an impasse now. No other way then the reflect, repent and move ahead on another path. I love you, and I’m really sorry about letting you down. Your forgiveness and love is all I could ever hope for now.
Reflect.
What do you see when you look into the mirror everyday?
As we know it.
Remember the times when the biggest fight in the world was about who’d start the fire and who’d hunt and kill? Yeah, neither do I. What kind of world are we living in now?
January 2012
14 posts
Broken.
Been two months or so, thought this feeling would go, but now it all seems bleak, coming back to haunt me at every break.
Idiosyncracies.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. But i guess it’s true, what they say, we all just wanna watch you crash and burn.
I miss.
I miss jolting awake at 5.45am. I miss fearing with trepidation of being late for school. I miss the awkward morning walks right up the front gate. I miss the rhythmic beat of my heart in times I fall asleep in the middle of mundane lessons. I miss the euphoria of meeting friends after the passing of the holidays. I miss the felony committed in school after PE or anytime I wanted at all. Perhaps...
Far fetched? Perhaps reasonably so.
At the end of this year, during the last few days of 2012, I wanna be able to look back and say I’m glad this year happened. I wanna be copacetic about everything that’s gonna happen this year. I wanna be able to hold only myself responsible for my own fate, no more regrets, no more complaints, no more resentment, no more oh i should have done this, studied more etc. I wanna be able to...
Brand new start?
They say you never know what you’ve got till you’ve lost it. I guess, I’ve finally grasped the full meaning behind that sentence, and nothing else could be more apt in describing my current predicament.
Fuck this shit.
It comes to a point where you no longer know what to say, cause no words and ever exactly state how you feel. And right now all I wanna do is just drown myself in an ocean of alcohol and never wake again.
Re-solutions.
See how it’s spelled with a re in front? Befuddling to me too. So i guess, this year’s resolutions, will be the same as the many ones that have came as pass. I just wanna be happy. 2011 has been one hell of a painful year, and when that pain could no longer be dealt with, inebriation always seemed like the only way. But i’ve had enough, this year, i just wanna be happy without...
2012.
Funny way to start the year, day’s been mixed with illness, disappointment, a touch of self-pity, and a little bit of past-narcissim.
December 2011
17 posts
Realise my soul.
Feeling unknown and you’re all alone, flesh and bone by the telephone. Look into the receiver, I’ll make you a believer.
Take second best, put me to the test, things on your chest that you need to confess. I will deliver, you know I’m a forgiver.
_
Let’s sit still, against this grill, hold me tight, in this chilly night. Won’t you now? Hear me speak, though I’m weak, sometimes it may hurt, but trust my word.
Damn it.
Sleep eludes me, guilt engulfs me.
I adore.
Close your eyes, hold your breath, let your heartbeat be the only sound in the room, be the only thing i’m fighting for. It’s hard i know, but you and me, we’re gonna make the stars shine. Let the raindrops be the only thing that covers your face, and nothing more.
Bleak.
Stress so stress, every living day’s an insurmountable test. How hard i fight, every night to close these eyes, with all my might.
Forgive me i plead.
Hanging here just by a thin thread. Perhaps it’d be doing me a favour by a snip of it, cause i’m too stress tryna have to guess.
Reflections.
Speak, don’t talk. Listen, don’t hear. Live, not just to survive. Road ahead’s gonna be one hell of a dark patch. Trudge it all alone I could do, but if you’re willing to stick it out with me I’mma promise you we’ll walk through this. If love is what you need, a soldier is what I’ll be.
Things you’d expect to be, having effect on me. Pass undetectedly, but everyone knows what’s got me. Takes me completely, touches you sweetly, reaches so deeply, I know nothing can stop me.
Someday i just want myself to be free from hoping, wishing and expecting because nothing hurts more than the disenthrallment of all your prayers coming to nought. Maybe it’s better, better to just sleep it off. Sleep and never awake again. That’d be the best thing that could possibly happen to me now.
I promise.
I promised you forever. Forever is a long time, but I’mma keep true to my words. Through it all I’m still gonna love you. I’ll never leave, not even if you ask me to. Your happiness is my world and I want for you to be forever smiling. Never gonna stop loving you be it through the good and bad times. I’ll be there through you worst fucking day and your best fucking night....
Joy
Somehow, it seems like a long measure of time since I’ve felt that way. Over the little things perhaps I’d even give to feel this way. Maybe it’s time to stop taking things with such a childish approach, and time to unleash the guile side of me.
November 2011
16 posts
Cry me a river.
Stand by the banks, hear me say, let the story of this sad lil punk be told. For once he came and tried his best, but the world it rejected him like a bad organ transplant. It was for the best they said, but the worst was soon to come. Came into this place with so much hope, now it’s clear to him my dear, the world he knew became disillusioned. Given up he has, someone drag him outta...
Hear 'em say.
How’d you get so down and out? Out in the streets with the rum in your hands. You’d think you seen it all but the best ain’t yet to come homie. But well my son, I can’t live my life having planned it all, like an author on the end of a novel.
Remedy this poisoned world.
Day by day I feel the hate growing everytime I face that shadowy sihlouette with a face I no longer recognise whenever I look straight up into the mirror.
“Everybody dies but not everybody lives.”
– William Wallace
Beatles.
Picture yourself in a boat on a river, With tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, A girl with kaleidoscope eyes. Cellophane flowers of yellow and green, Towering over your head. Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes, And she’s gone.
Intermittently, my eyes habitually gaze down upon the little souls of people trying their utmost best to ascend...
I fucked up.
This is probably the biggest mess up of my life. I don’t even have anything to say anymore. All I’m asking for is just this one last chance. But I guess it probably won’t come. Ever.
“I hold it true, whate’er befall,
I feel it, when I sorrow most,...”
– Lord Alfred Tennyson; In Memoriam 27
Having trouble sleeping now and it’s 5.47am i swear this is so aberrant why can’t I just feel tired already? Never mind I guess the script and shinedown’s all i need right now. Irony in the gap of the genres’ ain’t it?
Shit.
Having secondary cogitation at this juncture is the most repugnant thing ever.
